Bad News Thursday

I woke up this morning quite happy and rested...for once! A few weeks ago my friend Christa from my previous job called me and told me they were off today and we should meet for lunch after her hair appointment.
We agree to meet at Extreme Pita, our new favorite place!
So, I got ready...actually put on makeup and fixed my hair...that's a BIG deal for me these days! Yesterday I literally stayed in my pj's all day!! We met at the restaurant, ordered, talked and just caught up on everything going on in our lives...
While we were talking and enjoying our lunch my Papa Bear called me. We got THE PHONE CALL. I'm not going into specifics ..yet. I don't believe in doing that until whatever it is has passed....but it wasn't good.
We knew this was coming for a few months. We had NO idea it was coming this soon....not now. Not at the beginning of the busiest season. But we knew it was coming and it had arrived.
My heart sank, my stomach turned and twisted. I swear everything went into tunnel vision. I wrapped up my pita and was done...done with lunch, done with listening, laughing, done talking.... just done! I tried so hard to listen to every word Christa was telling me about her former job. I tried. I repeated every word to myself in hopes of grasping onto what she was saying. I was failing miserably. Her face...her stare...begged for some recognition for what she had just said.
I had none.
I smiled and put on a performance that could have earned me an Academy Award and I left the lunch.
It's funny how one phone call can literally change your life.
It's crazy to say this...given what a sad, scary situation we are now in, but in a way I am a little relieved. Last night I prayed that some solution comes from this...sooner than later...no matter what that solution might be. I just didn't feel like I could go on much longer with that phone call dangling in our future. In a way I just wanted it to happen so I wouldn't be so worried and always have that wonder in the back of my mind...what will we do? what's next? what do we do until they realize what we know? And much more seriously...how do we survive?
Part of me is excited...as morbid as that may seem... to see what the next chapter is. Who knows? Maybe it's for the best.... the way the wheel has been rolling I can see what the greater plan was and how it's played out. Knowing that, should I feel scared now? anxious? Isn't that a normal reaction to that phone call? Wouldn't anyone in our situation feel the same? Am I wrong for feeling this? Is feeling this way showing weakness? or lack of faith?
I came home and studied....studied what is most important to me.
I cooked dinner and took the girls for a nice walk. The wind was blowing and the air was fresh. It settled me.
Back from the walk I sat down and started our next chapter. I hope it has a happy ending...no...a successful beginning!
I washed dishes and now am writing this blog.... mostly because I can't sleep. My mind won't slow down.
I feel guilty. I smoked a cigarette today. My first in about 4 years. I feel that ache in my throat for just one more...only one. But I'm not giving in. That phone call might have broken my spirit some but it won't jeopardize my health!
Hopefully I will look back on this post in the future and tell myself I was silly for feeling this way. I hope I smile and even laugh at myself. I hope more than anything I don't look back on this and think..."What a fool! You didn't know how good you had it in that very moment...kids sleeping, Papa Bear watching TV.... you had NO idea what was laid before you!!"
For now all we can do is wait. Just wait. I know I have been shown that I need to learn patience and I feel I have gotten better at it. But this will require more patience than I have ever needed!! I can do this. We can do this. We have no choice. The time has come. The time is here. Now we deal. That's all we can do.