Sunday, June 3, 2012

Tom Tom - Catching Up...


This morning we all decided to go down to Yoakum just for the day for Tom Tom. I hadn't been to Tom Tom in years, so it was really fun to go and see old friend and family. It was nice to get out of the house and not think about things. We all had a good time, I think we just all had Mom in the back of our minds and were thinking how nice it would have been if she had been there!
We stopped at my niece's house before heading over to Yoakum. My Papa bought himself a really nice rod and reel. I can't wait to go to Galveston and try it out!
The carnival was fun. Lena, Tren and Ari rode lots of rides. I even managed to get CC on the zipper. I really wished I had recorded her coming off the Zipper...that was a sight to see! The Zipper used to be my favorite ride growing up, now Lena loves it...CC, not so much. She said the ferris wheel is more her speed!!
Even my Papa Bear got in on the fun. We all had a great time, it was just so darn hot!!
We did manage to fine some good turkey legs on the way home. Those were the biggest, juices, best turkey legs I've ever had. Thank you Regina!!!
 Tren came home from Mom's service with us. Mom had been wanting to see Dark Shadows with Johnny Depp. She LOVED Johnny Depp. We had planned on seeing it the weekend before she started chemo.
Unfortunately we never made it. So, in her honor, I took the kids to see the movie. It was good. But again, I kept thinking about how much Mom would have loved it.

CC made this really delicious Spice Rum Cake. Oh it was good!!! CC said she had a quick run through her mind that she needs to cut a slice and put it on the side for nanny. Mom is everywhere, in all of our thoughts, everyday. It's only been two weeks since she "went to sleep." I keep hearing it will get easier.... but when?
 I did treat myself to a coffee before work this morning. Then I treated myself to another Starbucks at work. I really need to cut down on all these empty calories! But boy, oh boy, was it worth it!!!
Today while at my niece's house I laid down on Mom's couch. I laid there and thought about how much time I had spent on that couch. I spent the night with Mom a few times, that's where I slept. We would go visit Mom each Sunday and I would often fall asleep on her couch. I would sit by her on the couch and watch TV with her or Mom would lay down on her tummy and I would rub the knots out of her leg. So many important, integral parts of my life were on that couch....and now...now they are all just memories.... There was so much for us to still do, learn and see. 
I picked up her ashes Monday. Emil came with me, thank God! The box is heavy. I don't know how I feel. In a way I'm happy she's here with me. But she's not really here. I don't know where to put her. That sounds sick. But I don't know. 
I had my first dream about Mom Friday morning. I dreamed we were all sitting on my bed and Mom was there. She was wearing a purple shirt. She got up from my bed and was walking to the kitchen. I was flooded with emotions and I said I knew it... I knew she wasn't gone.. I knew it was all a bad dream. I KNEW IT!!! I got up and walked behind her and I wanted to just touch to know that it was real, that she was really here and it was all over. The bad dream was all over. I was reaching out to touch her, I was starting to cry because I was so happy it was over and I started calling her name. Just as I was about to touch her arm I woke up. I woke  myself up calling "Mom! Mom!" I woke up from that dream crying. 
Friday was a hard day. One of the hardest yet. I was told that in time I will welcome those dreams. I don't see that happening. I want to remember her. I want to think of her and not hurt. I want to go back to that dream and never wake up. I want my mama. 


4 comments:

Denise Adorian

Dear April,Thank you for visiting Me in these difficult times for you.It seems as if your doing all the right things to help yourself.Blogging and/or journaling is wonderful for you.Going out with family when you feel physically strong enough is wonderful for you too.These losses can make you very tired and drained.I know that for sure.The pain will fade,the memories and love will go on.That's how it feels better-the pain is gone eventually.After 12 years the dreams of My Mom remain,I don't mind them much anymore,it's like visiting her.I pray for your comfort -Denise

bj

Oh, April....I so know how you feel. Even tho I am an olden woman now...and even tho Mom has been gone for almost 25 years, I still think of her almost every day. I do promise it will get better..easier...but you will always miss her. We miss the ones we love.

My aunt was cremated and I picked up the urn for my cousin. It would be several days before he arrived at my house to get the urn and have it buried. I didn't know what to do with her, either. I set her on my dresser for a day...then I moved her to the GUEST ROOM, which was perfect. :) Cousin came, picked her up, arranged to have her buried beside her husband and all was well. :)
love, bj

Mrs Twins

Oh I'm terribly sorry to hear you have sadness in your life April. I'm sure your Mother was a wonderful person. My Dad passed away 18 years June 10th and there's still not a day when I dont miss him dreadfully.
Love and best wishes to you and thanks for stopping by!
Suex

Leann

Oh sweet April, I am soo very sorry to hear about your Mum's passing. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

"Be still and know that I am God"
Leann

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