April Happenings

My girls have been so good at taking care of me and helping me through this recovery. 

CC brought me home this delicious peach/raspberry cupcake from GiGi's.

I loved that the icing wasn't so sweet it burned your mouth and the cake part was really moist and flavorful.

CC also brought home my favorite flowers for me...tulips.

They just don't last long enough. 

I have tried growing tulips bulbs in the past and it just never works for me. I know that I don't have the green thumb that mom and CC have, so I know that is a factor, but I think the hot, dry Texas weather is just not what the tulips like. 

I have certainly been having my share of coffee. I love these disposable cups Starbucks came out with. I have a few at work and before I left for surgery I picked a few up to have here at the house. They are so convenient and can be used for hot and cold beverages.  

Since all i can do it sit all day, I've been getting in plenty of snuggle time with this fatty. 

I can't help but think of what kind of life he must have had before we found him. He was so skinny, full of worms and abandoned in a dog park. I took him home, fed him, had him vaccinated and neutered and fell so hard in love with my fat boy.

I think he was around 5 pounds when we got him. He's not over 18 lbs!

He's still so very skittish and will lay far away so that if you want to pet him you have to put in the work. 

So when he comes and snuggles up with me like this, it is HUGE! It's a giant leap of trust for him and I treasure it! 

I did manage to go outside to look at my roses. My poor babies are really suffering with out. I am surprised they survived at all. Out of the five I had, only two are left. This injury has really effected every aspect of my life. Losing my Peace rose because I was unable to care for them nearly did me in. They were a gift from Emil and the girls and this injury took that away from me too. 

Anyway, my knock-out roses are going wild. I love looking out my window and seeing the bush full of red and dark pink blooms. 

No matter how hard I try, I can never capture the beauty of the color of the knock outs. 

This bush was so small when they planted it and the roses themselves were so small at first. 

Over the years the blooms have gotten bigger and that bush is nearly out of control. I have heard trimming it down during winter is best, but I am too scared that I will over trim and kill it. 

And Emil's pomegranate tree is producing what we thought were tiny fruits. I see now when I look outside that it is actually flowers blooming that have petals the exact color of the bud. I can't wait until this tree actually produces fruit. 

Mom got this tree for Emil since pomegranates are the national fruit of 

Armenia....or something like that. He's Armenian and he tells us all the time how that is THEIR fruit...it's native to their land...

So my Papa Bear has his own pomegranate tree...from my mama. 

My sweet mother in law came to stay a week with us and help take care of me. It was such a treat and blessing to have her here. I miss having a mama in my life. I think I convinced myself that I really am ok without having a mom. That I am strong and can handle anything by myself, because since Mom died I have no one to fall back on, lean on and get advice from. It's me now making decisions and learning as I go.

So, to have a mom here doting on me, cooking me soup, talking with me, hugging me, loving me, tucking me in...it felt great. 

I really didn't realize how much I miss that.

I told Emil he doesn't realize how fortunate he is to have his mom and I admit, when I saw her hugging him and kissing him goodnight, I got a little jealous. 

I got the same hugs and kisses from her, but she will never be my mom. She can love me like a mom and take care of me like a mom but she will never be MY mom.  

I did try to venture out to the park with the girls the other day. I lasted all of 15 minutes then had to sit in the car.

All I could do was wish I was back in my recliner. 

There were tons of yellow wild flowers in the park. I wish there were more bluebonnets. 

I also went to my surgeon's office last week to have my bandages removed. I went up to their office, down a few floors for the x-ray and then back up to the surgeon to have the bandages removed. 

As I sat and waited to be called I placed one foot behind the other while sitting and felt the stones of one shoe. Now I knew that I selected the polka-dot bow shoes because they matched the polka-dots on my shirt.

Imagine the surprise when I lifted my legs and saw I left the house AND paraded around the doctors office and xray clinic WITH TWO DIFFERENT SHOES ON!

I could have died. I told Emil we had to go straight home and get me different shoes. 

That didn't happen. 

I was humiliated...so embarrassed....but, that's what happens when you can't look down! 

I was so ready to get that stupid bandage removed and see what it looked like underneath. 

It's really swollen here and you can't see it that great. But I am pretty sure it's going to scar up. I am devastated about that. I won't be able to wear necklaces and I'm going to have this ugly, visual reminder everyday to look at.

All because I took my girls on vacation. You don't know how many times I've wished we would have chosen a different flight time home or different vacation locale all together.

I'm telling you...no good deed goes unpunished. 

So this is what I look like most days. This was before a bath and my hair is down. I normally have to have my hair up on the top of my head to keep it from getting in the Velcro of the soft brace...and that gives me a headache sometimes. 

I've tried braiding it, putting in pony tails, buns, you name it.

I am afraid that now I'm going to have to go cut my hair short to make life with the braces more comfortable. 

I wear this soft brace in the house when I'm ...sitting.

I have a hard brace that I wear when I'm up for longer than 15 minutes or when I leave the house. 

And the other night this cute little birdie was just hanging out in the salvia bush outside CC's window. He must have been injured because he didn't fly away when we got close and he/she let CC pet it. 

My college course have really been troubled because of this surgery. I am just barely above water in my courses. Thank goodness the end is in sight. I think classes are over the middle of May.

So that's about it. 

I wear and a brace and I sit...all day.

I am sick of watching TV. I am sick of being on the computer. 

But I am alive and that's just fine with me!

Recovery: Life

Surviving recovery...that's what the title should be. I am simply miserable. I was worried what recovery would be like and now I know. It's hell...pure and simple hell. I am not one to just sit and be still and do nothing. But that is precisely all I can do....nothing. Absolutely nothing. 

Possibly the worst part of the recovery is not being able to sleep. It makes me...miserable. I don't know if it's the fact that I do nothing all day and have tons of energy in me OR if it's the fact that I practically live in a recliner and my body aches/yearns for my bed. Whatever it is...it's miserable. I usually fall asleep around 1 a.m., wake up around 5:30 a.m., then fall back asleep around 8 a.m. and wake up for the day around 11 a.m. That sucks. It messes up my night. It messes up my day. I've tried taking my medicine earlier. Doesn't make a difference. I still have trouble falling asleep and cannot STAY asleep. 
I was the person up before everyone else, starting my day. Now I am usually the last one up and have NOTHING to do with my day. I've downloaded apps to help me sleep. I've tried reading, watching tv, literally counting sheep....nothing helps!

Speaking of help....that's all I need....all the time. Help to get out of my recliner. Help to take a shower. Help to make fresh ice water. Help getting dressed. Help brushing my hair. Help walking down the steps. Help walking up the steps. Help walking across the yard. Help to get in the car. Help to get out of the car. Help to bring my medicine when I'm stuck in my recliner at the end of the day and I am so beyond exhausted from doing absolutely NOTHING that I can't bring myself to walk to the bar and grab my medicine. Help, Help, Help. Ugh. I HATE it. 

I have NEVER been one to ask for help. I simply abhor asking for help. Yet every single day, all day, all the time I am asking for help. 

And intimacy with my husband... You can say I forgot what that is about. Before the surgery I was always in so much pain that intimacy with my husband was pretty much non-existent. The aftermath was much too painful to even try. We used to be pretty darn good on that level. Can't say more than a few days went by without it. And now....ha! Betty White probably gets more action than me. My poor husband. I am surprised he's stayed with me. This is hard on me. However, I am the one in pain and suffering with injuries...so for me it's become easier to just accept it and and try to ignore those feelings. For him though, a healthy, young man...I can only imagine how hard and frustrating this must be for him.

Even just snuggling up on the couch watching game shows or The Big Bang Theory is not possible now with this stupid brace. I have to keep my head and neck straight. I can't look down. Don't turn to the side too fast. You know what??? I'll just go back to my recliner and sit. I have him push it as close to the couch as possible so we can at least still hold hands while watching TV.

That's my house now. Ok, not really. But guess what else I can't do...clean my own damn house. Can't wash dishes, or clothes. Can't sweep or mop. Can't dust. Can't do a damn thing. I love to clean my house. That used to be how I destressed. Can't do it now. No, no. I have to SIT and watch my husband and daughters try to clean the house. I just SIT and watch and HATE it! It's not their responsibility. I am the mother/wife. I should be up and cleaning but I can't. All I can do is sit. Sit and think about all the things I should be doing but can't.

So that is what I do all day. I sit. We had to purchase a recliner for me. Did I want to spend nearly $300 for another piece of furniture? No. Did I have the extra cash just laying around? No. However, I would not have been able to make it without that stupid recliner. I literally live in that chair. We tried walking to the mail box yesterday...something I could usually do and get back home in less than five minutes. It took me about 15 mins just to walk TO the mailbox. I was tired, couldn't breath. Everything in me hurt. My sweet papa bear asked if he needed to get the car to take me back home. I was only 3 houses from my house. All I wanted to do was get back to that stupid recliner and sit.
When the doctor asked me what I did for Easter? I was sitting.
What did I do for my birthday? I was sitting.
What will I be doing for my wedding anniversary? Sitting.
What big plans do I have for mothers day? Well, you know...I'll be sitting.

Surgery and Recovery

Friday, April 4th, I went in to the hospital at 4:30 a.m. to have my first surgery ever, an anterior cervical discetomy and fusion. To say I was terrified would be an understatement.

I had so many thoughts and fears running through my head...

would I die during surgery and my girls be without a mom?

would I be injured during surgery and possibly paralyzed?

would I be nicked during surgery, causing a need for a blood transfusion that I would never take (again leaving my girls without a mom)?

would I experience complication afterward that could be life threatening, like a blood clot?]

will I ever be able to wear necklaces again since I will have a scar smack dab in the center of my neck?

will the pain finally be eased or will it only bring on a new set of issues?

will I finally get to be me again?

Weighing the benefits versus the risks were hard. Relatively it's a safe procedure with few complication. 

Relatively.

Everyone knows anything can happen.

For someone who has never had anything worse than the flu this was a majorly emotional and mental stressful situation.

So I went in and was taken to a admittance room where they did a few basic tests, urine sample, blood pressure, temperature...got me in a hospital gown.

Then around 6 am I was moved to the holding room where they put my IV in. The anesthesiologist came in to go over what he will be doing and answer any questions I may have. My surgeon came in and went over the procedure with me and my girls and answered any last minute questions. I was terrified and there may have been quite a few tears shed.

My poor sweet Lena kept looking at me with this longing look in her eyes...like she wanted to soak in every aspect of me...the shape of my eyebrows, the curve of my nose, where the freckles lay on my face, the crease in my neck, the rise and fall of my chest...everything...in case she didn't see me again. 

This broke my heart.

I had no control over the situation.

And I was terrified. 

I was wheeled into the operating room fully awake. My nurse tried to make small talk with me to stop the tears that fell unaided from my eyes.

I was then moved to the cold operating table with the large lamp ahead of me. The anesthesiologist told me he would give me some medicine now to put me to sleep and they'd wake me up later.

I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and fell asleep in prayer.

I remember hearing a nurse telling me foggily that the surgery was over. I felt an excruciating pain on the lower right side of my neck and surmised this must be the incision site. My throat hurt like hell and I felt like I was going to vomit and poo at the same time. The only word I could get out was "sick". I'm not sure how long I was in recovery or exactly where recover was. Previously I was told that I would be taken back to the holding room where I had spoken with my surgeon to recover.

I just recall having some of the weirdest dreams you can imagine.

They got my girls and around noon moved us to my room. My throat hurt so badly. I felt a huge lump in it and it was just easier not to talk.

Most of the day I just laid in bed with my eyes closed. 

They brought me broth to sip. It felt good on my sore (from being intubated) throat but each time I swallowed it hurt from the front to the back of my throat.

It hurt to open my mouth very wide. It felt like the entire inside of my mouth hurt. My whole neck hurt. And each time I swallowed it felt like the substance had to cross over a lump to make its way down my esophagus. At the same time, each swallow produced this pain across the back side of my neck.

The pain was so bad it caused me to draw my shoulders up, hold my breath and almost think it easier not to even try. 

It was miserable trying to find a comfortable position. It hurt to lay down, it hurt to sit up, walking completely winded me. I had a drainage tube coming out of my neck. My butt was numb from sitting so long. I was miserable.

When I went home the next day I couldn't find any comfortable place to lay or sit or lounge. Finally my husband brought his beach chair into the house and fixed it up for me to sit/lounge/lay in. This worked for a while. 

At the end of the day I was in tears because I was so physically, mentally, emotionally exhausted. I felt like I just couldn't go on like this. But I was thankful to just be alive. 

After two hard nights we had to go purchase a recliner for me to lay in. Since I'm going to be in this position for 6-8 weeks we better make it comfortable. Did we plan to have to spend money to purchase a new piece of furniture? Absolutely not. But when you can't move your neck and you have to recline 95% of your day, you do what you have to do.

One bonus...the only real bonus...is that Micah has been spending so much time bonding with me. I'll never know what his story was before we got him, but it took two years for him to even lay close to us and he is still so skittish. I think this recovery will bring about alot of close bonding between us. 

So while this is not a flattering picture of me...this is me...everyday...all day. Just sitting in my chair, watching tv and being loved on by my cats. 

I finally get to take my first bath today. I am beyond excited. I have never felt so dirty. The soreness of my throat is starting to subside. I don't eat as much as I used to and what I do eat takes forever to do it. Drinking still makes me wince in pain...it's just not as painful as it was the first few days. I think this morning was the first morning that I was able to take a drink without drawing my shoulders up all the way.

By night I am usually in tears. I am so exhausted from doing absolutely nothing. Muscle relaxers and Hydrocodone have really helped me sleep. My sleep hours are so messed up. I wake up at all times of the night, which means I sleep at all times during the day. I guess this is good..sleep helps you heal.

I have my two week follow up next Friday. 

But most importantly...I'm alive!

And I get to shower today!

IPSY March 2014 Review

I absolutely loved my March 2014 Ipsy bag. The bag itself was super cute and the four items inside have certainly been used!

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First up was a NYX Love in Rio palette trio in the color VooDoo Love Spells.

The shadow goes on smoothly and the pigment lasts all day with out needing touch up. I love the cute little bow detail on the closure. 

I love that NYX is very affordable and available at most grocery/drug stores.

You can also purchase it here.

I also received a Marvelous Moxie Lipstick from bareMinerals. I was given the shade "Get Ready". This is a creamy, super-saturated, ulta-pigmented color that glides on like butter for full coverage in a satin finish. I love it. The shade is not bright and out there...it didn't smear or bleed and it too lasted through out most of the day.

Purchase it here.

We also received a Chella Eyeliner Pen in Indigo Blue. I have never,ever found or used a more perfect eyeliner. The color is so pigmented. The shape of the tip is truly no-fail. It's a silky eyeliner that truly stays on all day, until you are ready to take it off.

The color blue that it is is just magnificent. I don't wear blue, I feel a bit too old for that much color on my eyes, but I gave it to my daughter and she loves it!!

Purchase it here.

And last but not least is the pixi flawless beauty primer.

I am new to primers and this one did not disappoint.

What I loved about it was that it truly gives your face an illuminating appearance. You just glow.

It's perfect for Spring/Summer and I easily see this becoming a permanent part of my daily makeup routine!

Purchase it here.

If you have not signed up for Ipsy yet click here!

Believe me, you won't regret it!

Goings On

I love that Spring is here. I love the pastel colors, the cooler mornings and warmer evenings.

 I love hearing the birds sing, the squirrels play on my roof and mostly, I love seeing the flowers, shrubs, trees come to life.

I don't love the allergies.

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I am somewhat of an olive oil snob. I've researched, experimented and failed in my quest to find the perfect olive oil. Not all olive oils are created equally, and if you believe they're all the same you are oh, so wrong.

I do favor Italian olive oils, naturally. But Greek and Tunisian olive oils are good too. I have been too big of a fan of Spanish olive oils.

But this olive oil, I found at my local grocery store. It was a bit more pricey than usual...but oh, my goodness.

It is delicious! 

I am in love. 

I am so much in love, in fact, that I feel I need to stock pile this stuff.

You see that dark color?

That's not the bottle...no...

that's the olive oil, unfiltered olive oil.

My dip had so much more flavor. My pasta coated so much better.

I am truly in love! 

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I wanted to try out a new recipe, so I perused Teresa Guidici's cookbook and found a simple recipe, that I had all ingredients for, for baked chicken.

Basically you combine unflavored yogurt, milk and salt in one bowl and in the next bowl combine Panko crumbs and dry seasonings.

She detailed exactly which seasonings to use. I created my own.

I used garlic powder, onion power, Italian seasoning (naturally), dried basil, cilantro and chives and cheese. 

Then baked for about 10 minutes on one side, flipped and 15 mins on the other side.

It was so good!

And it was fast and easy..in my book that's A+! 

And since Spring is here, the girls and I decided we needed to make some cupcakes.

One thing that I have been spending a bit too much time on is watching beauty vloggers on You Tube. 

I see them recommend something, that is so great and so revolutionary and of course so very necessary. 

So what does April do? She runs out to purchase each item.

No bueno!

This is just the eye shadow I have amassed in the past few months.

Again, no bueno!

And truth be told, I only use the same two or three colors each day. I always hope that I will have the courage to try new colors and techniques but I am comfortable with what I know.

I have found some new items that are really good and have become part of my everyday routine. 

Two weeks ago we went to visit Quin. I never, ever imagined I would be visiting him here. 

Someone made a bench right by his grave and left a marker there. Now when people go to sit with him they leave their name and a message. It's a really beautiful way to remember the love and light he shed upon each one of us. It's also a great testimony of how suicide effects everyone, forever.

Quin had such life. His love was bigger than him. 

His smile could melt your heart, make angels sing.

I look at this and wonder how that grave is even big enough to hold him.

I remember his hearty, sweet laugh.
I'll never hear that laugh again. No one will ever have a laugh to match his, and I wouldn't want them to.

I see how his death has hurt my girls, my sisters, my nieces and nephews.

I wonder if Quin knew how much he was loved. Did he just want to scare his girlfriend? Does the girlfriend know a lot more than she's letting on? She says they weren't arguing, but why was there a broken tea pitcher in the other room? Why did she delete messages from Quin's facebook between him and the other guy she was seeing? How did Quin get a huge know over his left eye? Blood doesn't coagulate when you're dead. She's never, ever talked about it.

Did Quin even really do it? How does someone die when they can stand up?

Too many unanswered questions but one hard, cold, piercing reality...no matter what the answers to those questions are, Quin is still not here.

And because of that, none of us will ever be the whole.

I also stopped by to visit my dad and my favorite uncle. 

I really should bring them some fresh, new flowers. 

And while there I made my scars from my Charlie more permanent!

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Every Spring I want to change up my mantle. 

I always want to put some cute, white, distressed birds and clear out a majority of the unnecessary things up there.

I've never done it, and honestly, probably won't this year either. But it would be nice for a change. 

My papa brought home some delicious caviar.

We used to eat this all the time. Not so much now.

The only Russian store that sold it here is pretty expensive, but his friend found a place to order it online.

Oh my word, it is delicious! 

My surgery date is set. I am extremely nervous. I have never had surgery in my life. Ever. 

This scares the crap out of me.

I can no longer sleep at night. The pain keeps me up. 

I get numbness and tingling in my left arm almost daily now.

It used to be only if I tried to do something, like sweep or wash dishes. Now I can get it at any time.

I get horrible migraines at work, looking down at my keyboard.

Driving hurts. I do it because I have to.

I know that this surgery will/is supposed to fix me.

But I am terrified.

This stupid injury has changed my entire life.

And I hate it.

But I am willing to do what it takes to be me again.

To be a mother to my daughters again and a wife to Emil.

They have suffered so much too through this.

It has really effected EVERY SINGLE aspect of our family, personal and intimate life.

At least I have a really cute snuggle buddy when I'm home in pain. 

Where Did February Go?????

Since I started blogging, I'm not sure how many years ago, I don't think I ever went an entire month with out posting. 

Now I would love to say it's because I have been so busy traveling and having fun and enjoying every minute of every day. 

I would love to say that. 

But that is just not true. 

The weather has been cold...and I mean cold for Texas. We actually had snow and my employer actually had to have us come in late due to the icy roads.

It was so beautiful. There is a neighborhood not far from my neighborhood that has beautiful large rock landscaping at the entrance. The fresh snow fall on those rocks was beautiful.

I had to say a prayer and thank God for that beauty that I honestly will probably not see again for many, many years. 

I loved when I put my wipers on the this snow just fluffed all over my front window. 

As much as I loved the snow and the cold weather and wearing my big ugly grey boots, this weather has just been horrible for my neck. I have never been in so much pain.

Almost every night I enjoy a cup of Might Leaf tea. 

My sweet CC turned 18 on Feb 10.

She told me that she's gonna miss me because Peter Pan was going to come for her before midnight on the ninth and take her to Neverland.  

So on Valentines day my baby purchased her first car.

She researched and studied and we are so happy with her choice. 

I never take pictures of myself, but I tried it out in my car before work. 

I found this on Pinterest....how appropriate is it? 

The girls and I have been loving Charming Charlie. 

For President's Day they had a buy one clearance item and get one free.

Who could say no to that? 

Since CC has her own car now, she wanted to get a job. So, while she was interviewing at my friend Lisa's hotel, I was relaxing on one of their terraces. 

One day while Papa and I were driving country roads we ended up at this little country store. There was a police scanner scanning, a sign that Blue Bell ice cream is coming soon and a small table in the front of the store. There five elderly gentlemen sat, reading the newspaper, wearing worn trucker hats and discussed local news and gossip. I could have sat and watched the scene for hours.

Despite the colder weather, Lena and I ventured out to have some frozen yogurt. CC had a job at Sushi Express as a hostess/server/busgirl/restroom cleaner. That last one did it for her. So while she was texting me that she was told to clean the men's restroom, Lena convinced me to go get yogurt. I felt so guilty doing it..but I did....and they had a Help Wanted sign on their front door. 

I started an application for CC, she interviewed the next day and she loves it!  

I had a spinal injection on a Wednesday and CC drove me there and drove me home.

I was still pretty out of it due to the Propofol and had to capture the moment..haha!

In one of my Ipsy bag's I received a sample of Marula Oil. I thought it was just another oil claiming to be so good.

Oh my goodness....there are no words.

My skin turned around in about a week. It's smoother, less noticeable lines, even the one acne scar I had has almost disappeared. I am so in love with this product. 

I am not in love, however, with it's price.

Thankfully I worked things out and purchased a bottle.

My skin is thankful! 

While I was purchasing my Marula oil from Sephora I decided to try out a Sephora palette that was on sale.

I am pleased!

The pigmentation is great...it's lasts through out the day.

I really like it. 

And I have been in search of matte colors. I am so sick of all this glittery, sparkly, shiny, metallic shadows. 

I just wanted a nice set of matte, neutral colors. 

and I got it...mostly. 

March is now here.

I am hopeful relief is in sight.

My neurosurgeon said surgery is the only thing that will help me with my neck/shoulder pain due to the herniated discs.

He's worried that it may have caused permanent damage already.

I sure hope not. I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired.

The headaches are worsening. I had leaking spinal fluid last week.

I'm tired of this. I just want my life back. 

I am terrified of surgery. I have never had any surgery ever. Having the flu was the worst sickness I ever had. Now this...it's scary. But I am just wanting and needing to be me again.