Sunday, April 27, 2014

Recovery: Life

Surviving recovery...that's what the title should be. I am simply miserable. I was worried what recovery would be like and now I know. It's hell...pure and simple hell. I am not one to just sit and be still and do nothing. But that is precisely all I can do....nothing. Absolutely nothing. 

Possibly the worst part of the recovery is not being able to sleep. It makes me...miserable. I don't know if it's the fact that I do nothing all day and have tons of energy in me OR if it's the fact that I practically live in a recliner and my body aches/yearns for my bed. Whatever it's miserable. I usually fall asleep around 1 a.m., wake up around 5:30 a.m., then fall back asleep around 8 a.m. and wake up for the day around 11 a.m. That sucks. It messes up my night. It messes up my day. I've tried taking my medicine earlier. Doesn't make a difference. I still have trouble falling asleep and cannot STAY asleep. 
I was the person up before everyone else, starting my day. Now I am usually the last one up and have NOTHING to do with my day. I've downloaded apps to help me sleep. I've tried reading, watching tv, literally counting sheep....nothing helps!

Speaking of help....that's all I need....all the time. Help to get out of my recliner. Help to take a shower. Help to make fresh ice water. Help getting dressed. Help brushing my hair. Help walking down the steps. Help walking up the steps. Help walking across the yard. Help to get in the car. Help to get out of the car. Help to bring my medicine when I'm stuck in my recliner at the end of the day and I am so beyond exhausted from doing absolutely NOTHING that I can't bring myself to walk to the bar and grab my medicine. Help, Help, Help. Ugh. I HATE it. 
I have NEVER been one to ask for help. I simply abhor asking for help. Yet every single day, all day, all the time I am asking for help. 

And intimacy with my husband... You can say I forgot what that is about. Before the surgery I was always in so much pain that intimacy with my husband was pretty much non-existent. The aftermath was much too painful to even try. We used to be pretty darn good on that level. Can't say more than a few days went by without it. And now....ha! Betty White probably gets more action than me. My poor husband. I am surprised he's stayed with me. This is hard on me. However, I am the one in pain and suffering with for me it's become easier to just accept it and and try to ignore those feelings. For him though, a healthy, young man...I can only imagine how hard and frustrating this must be for him.
Even just snuggling up on the couch watching game shows or The Big Bang Theory is not possible now with this stupid brace. I have to keep my head and neck straight. I can't look down. Don't turn to the side too fast. You know what??? I'll just go back to my recliner and sit. I have him push it as close to the couch as possible so we can at least still hold hands while watching TV.

That's my house now. Ok, not really. But guess what else I can't do...clean my own damn house. Can't wash dishes, or clothes. Can't sweep or mop. Can't dust. Can't do a damn thing. I love to clean my house. That used to be how I destressed. Can't do it now. No, no. I have to SIT and watch my husband and daughters try to clean the house. I just SIT and watch and HATE it! It's not their responsibility. I am the mother/wife. I should be up and cleaning but I can't. All I can do is sit. Sit and think about all the things I should be doing but can't.

So that is what I do all day. I sit. We had to purchase a recliner for me. Did I want to spend nearly $300 for another piece of furniture? No. Did I have the extra cash just laying around? No. However, I would not have been able to make it without that stupid recliner. I literally live in that chair. We tried walking to the mail box yesterday...something I could usually do and get back home in less than five minutes. It took me about 15 mins just to walk TO the mailbox. I was tired, couldn't breath. Everything in me hurt. My sweet papa bear asked if he needed to get the car to take me back home. I was only 3 houses from my house. All I wanted to do was get back to that stupid recliner and sit.
When the doctor asked me what I did for Easter? I was sitting.
What did I do for my birthday? I was sitting.
What will I be doing for my wedding anniversary? Sitting.
What big plans do I have for mothers day? Well, you know...I'll be sitting.


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