Monday, January 7, 2013

Changes - 2013

A week into the new year and I am just sitting down to write.
We spent our NYE at home. Emil rearranged the furniture in the bedroom, it feels like a hotel now.
I love it! It's so cozy in the mornings, the first light shining through the blinds is silver then later turns blue.

I started 2013 out with the flu. 
Apparently it's an epidemic this year. 
It's taken me quite a while to get over it. 
The fatigue still hasn't left me.
to me.....
Being sick and home from work has given me extra time to do things I normally don't have time to do.
Things like clear out my stack of 50+ magazines dating back to 2009.
I cut all the recipes out that I wanted and filed them away.

I also read a few stories in there that gave me some good ideas, a new outlook, if you will, on not only this new year but my life.
A particular article I read was about a lady that left an abusive relationship.
She said that once she made up her mind to break all ties, she felt such a release of burden,
she felt hope and found joy in little things.
I've been in an abusive relationship...
with myself.
I constantly tell myself I'm not good enough, pretty enough,
shapely enough, to do anything from wearing earrings 
to purchasing a pair of cute flats.

Well, that time is over.  
I know these negative thoughts swirling around in my head are just that, thoughts.
Thoughts can be changed.
I have to stop comparing myself to others 
and compare myself to the person I was yesterday. 
I am done putting myself down, thinking the worst of myself and convincing myself
that I don't deserve something, anything.
The truth is, I do deserve it.
I work hard, please my family and put others first.
I leave nothing for me.
I'm not saying I am going to become a selfish person, thinking only of myself.
No. But I will make time for myself, treat myself, appreciate myself. 
I have started to look for the positive in things. 
In fact, when I was at the doctor's office and these two kids were screaming and playing and yelling and dancing and running around like lunatics all the while I was battling fever, chills and a migraine, I looked for the positive. I thought of their laughter, their carefree happiness, the simplicity of life at that age.
I tried as long as I could to be positive and it lasted for a while.
But then the flu took over and I got aggravated.
and all I wanted to do was put my boot in their mouths and tell them to shut the hell up!
I mean really, jumping up and down on the tables in the dr's office, playing musical tables singing 
"la la la la la la.... la la la LAAAAAAA" 
was really getting on every one's nerves.
Thankfully they called me back soon after!

here's to a new year.
I am so thankful to have 2012 behind us.
Losing my mom to cancer was the hardest thing I have ever been through
and it still hurts..
but it's a new year
and a new outlook
and I'm actually feeling excited to see what this new year brings!


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