Saturday, July 14, 2012

Getting Things Done... :-(

Last Saturday the girls and I went to Mom's apartment to clear out what little stuff was left. 
Her smell was still there. I took it in, knowing I wouldn't get the chance to smell it much more.
I used to get so irritated with that smell and wash the clothes she gave me over and over so it wouldn't smell. I would give anything to have just one item that would keep that smell forever. 

I think this was one of the hardest parts for me. Mom had this wooden hanger on her bathroom wall. Her nightgowns and house coats always occupied most of the wooden knobs. But the second to last one held the girls toys from when they were small (or not so small) and would take long, play baths.
 I couldn't help but think.... the last time Mom scooped these toys up and put them in the red net bag, did she have any idea this would be the last time my girls would play with them? 
 And how about this little froggy? Mom loved frogs. They were everywhere.
It had to be the last toy she put in the bag.
 This was in Mom's kitchen cabinet. All her little handwritten notes
She was such a unique person. 
I really miss her.
I made a HUGE mistake by listening to her answering machine. 
There was a message on there from when she was in the hospital and she was calling me at her house to remind me to bring her something. 
Just hearing her say, "April, are you still there? It's Mom...."
I answered, "Yes, Mom, I'm still here."
I was still there.
She wasn't. And she never would be again.
One night when she was in the hospital she asked me if I thought she would ever go inside her apartment again. She said, "Who would have thought the day you brought me in for coughing up blood would be the last time I'd ever be in there." 
I told her she was wrong. We would be in there again together.
She was right. I was wrong.

The girls and I were hungry, and a bit depressed. 
Lena wanted to go to Le Madeleine for dinner.
Lena had Chicken Friand, I had the Spinach Pouchette.
 I chose the Potato Soup... it was sooo good!
 Lena picked out Tomato Basil soup. We ended up swapping soups...
Both were sooo delicious!
 And CC had a delicious salad... not sure where the picture went. I will have to try to find it and upload it later.
I love the decor in Le Madeleine. It's so homey. We would take Mom there often.
It was "our" little place.

 I bought myself a bottle of Chambord and some creme. I added Frangelico that I had gotten from Mom's house and made Nuts and Berries.
We went back to Mom's tonight. It really will be the last time. There was a note inside her apartment saying that they would be locking it and disposing of whatever is left. 
There is nothing left except empty boxes. 
It's sad to have that taken away from me. I wish I could afford to keep her apartment forever.
Just to have a place to go back and think of her...
Think of her sitting in her rocking chair, baking brownies, watching TV shows she had recorded and just knew we would like. Just sit there around her things, around the life she created there.
Just be there with my memories. Just be.
But I can't and it's probably better that way.
It feels almost like a layer of stress gone to have her apartment taken care of. 
But at the same time, it's really depressing and sad and hard.

Lately there have been alot of layers peeled. Some for the better even though it's going to make it so hard for us for a while. I know things will get better. They have to right?
I wish I had Mom here to talk to about it. I need her here to talk to about it and give me advice and words of encouragement. But I don't have that. I have to keep it all in and it's hard. 
I need her in all aspects of my life. For the big things, for the little things and everything in between.
I try to imagine things she would say to me. 
I try to do things the way she would want me to. 
I just really, really want my mama.



Oh April, this was just heart breaking to read... :(



I read this and cried my eyes out because I so know what you are feeling. I went thru it over 20 yrs ago. I wondered if I would be able to breath again after I lost my mother. She had a nice mobile home and we had an estate sale, after giving family what they wanted. We sold everything and boxed up the things I wanted to keep. Mr. Sweet put them in our attic. It was 9 1/2 years before I could open them. Just couldn't do it. When I cleaned out her closets, I decided to take her clothes to our church rummage sale. I packed them in boxes and put in the trunk of my car. I understand your meaning of smells...I TRIED to take the clothes to the church....but each time I was overcome with missing her, I would go out to my car and smell her clothes. I know this sounds sooo morbid but I felt close to her when I could actually smell her perfume on her clothes. FINALLY, one morning, 6 months after loading my trunk with her clothing, I knew "today" would be when I must take the clothes to the church. I did....and felt comfort.
I will always miss times, I am still overcome with sadness that she didn't get to meet my grandchildren and visa-versa....times when I am having a good time and wish I could share it with her....times when I am having a BAD time and need her comfort. However, all my thoughts of her now are good ones. I do miss her...always will. But, what I am trying to say is the hurt will turn into good memories and we will always have the blessing of having wonderful mothers that loved us dearly.
Altho my mother has been gone for over 20 years now, I still can feel her nearness when I hear a clock she gave me, chime. She's there when I cook a pot of chicken and dumplins' that are never quite as good as the ones she made for me.
I still feel her when I start to sew something that I have no idea HOW to do it and hear her say "You can do this, Jeanie" and somehow, I always am able to do a fair job. You will always have memories of her, dear April...and no one in this world can take those away from you.
Love and kisses and hugs, bj

His Doorkeeper

April, I don't know you or the circumstances about losing your Mother but as one who has been there too, you just never get over not having your mother around. My Mom was 88 when she died and even though I know she is with Jesus, I still miss her. I look at my young granddaughters and just am so sad she never saw them. She would have loved them SO much.

Anyway, I just wanted to say that I bet your Mother would be delighted by the sweet post you wrote about her and how much you miss her. You are a wonderful daughter!


Hi April! Life is sad but all the beautiful memories you made with your precious mom are always going to remain in your heart and your mind! You write so beautifully. I remember how they sold my folks house after mom passed away! My dad built that house by his own hand for my mother in 1946 the year my older brother was born! I was tortured for a long time about it! Finally I had to let it go but I too wished I could have bought that home and held on to it always! I have my mothers cedar chest. But I don't have a thing from my dad. I still get really sad. I loved the smell of my dad. He always wore the best after shave and cologne. But other than photos I have nothing. My sister and 2 brothers got everything of his and my mom too!
Losing a parent is such a terrible thing. I am grateful to know that my folks were good solid believers and they are with the Lord. But the sadness never completely leaves you. My dad passed away in 1985 and mom is 2001. I feel like I lost them yesterday.
Just keep your mom's memory close to your heart. As the years go by you will start to feel some peace! God Bless you and yours, Anne

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