Days 8-14....

Day 8 was possible the worst day of my life thus far. I received a text from CC, then Mom called and said the scans they did the previous night now showed a tumor on her pancreas, 3.1 cm. I think my heart fell. I thought I was going to vomit, diarrhea and pass out all at the same time. I couldn't catch my breath. I rushed to the hospital, trying to catch the doctor.
Dr. Judy Shumway wasn't there but did come back later to talk with us. She basically told us there is nothing they can do for Mom, she was going to send her home and we should just try to make her comfortable for the time she has left. Mom asked if there was any hope at all, any hope of treatment, any hope at life. She said, "We'll make you comfortable and your oncologist can discuss the rest with you." She said we have "months to a year." When she left the room we, me, CC and Mom broke down. We held each other and cried. There was a knock at the door and it was Mariel. I walked out in the hall and told her. We held each other and cried. She said her brother-in-law Ben was in a waiting room, along with her sister Marcy and some other brother and sisters from the Hall. When I saw Ben I pretty much fell in his arms and cried a way I have never cried before in my life. I don't think I ever hurt that way in my life. Such a hopeless despair.
The brothers read some scriptures with me and reassured me that it was ok to cry. Even Jesus cried. Jesus knew he was going to resurrect Lazarus and yet he was overwhelmed by grief and cried.

We brought Mom home to my house from the hospital that day. I felt like our days were  numbered. Mom didn't have much of an appetite. That's understandable.
Monday she was ok, tired, depressed, ate very, very little, but ok. We went to our first oncology appointment Monday afternoon. Dr. Rao said they would like to start chemo but first needed a PET scan, they were supposed to make an appt and get back to me. I still haven't heard from them. Dr. Rao said Shumway had no business giving us a time frame, cancer is not her speciality, she doesn't see anything in the charts to indicate so and that there have been many complaints about her for things like this.

Tuesday morning Mom was super depressed. I called her around 10:15 and she was still laying in bed and said she was thinking...thinking about dying. I told her she has to not think like that. That is exactly what Dr. Rao was talking about when she told us Mom's attitude was a major factor in how long she does live. That evening Mom wanted Pasha, so we bought her hummus and some kebobs. As long as she was eating we were ok!

Wednesday morning while I was working  Mom texted me and told me she was spitting up blood and having difficulty breathing. I went to the rest room, dialed 911 and had the ambulance take her back to the hospital. I also dropped to my knees in the bathroom stall and prayed.
The doctor at the ER said it looked like she never fully got rid of the pneumonia and she was being released too soon before she was properly healed. They gave Mom a nice big room, the VIP room and we have been here since.

Tonight is my night with Mom. I have been looking forward to spending this time with her. It breaks my heart to see her down like this, fever, coughing blood, having a hard time breathing. I hate to see her suffering.  And maybe this is selfish or ugly of me but I HATE seeing older women driving around or walking around with their moms. It pisses me off...really bad. Because I want to do that with  my mom and I can't and I honestly wonder if I will ever be able to again. I wish just once I could walk into a store with her and look around and then walk out together...and we would talk and laugh and not have this horrible dark cloud over our heads. She can't even walk to the restroom alone with out her heart pounding and without gasping for air. Why didn't I appreciate the time we had more when we had it? I want it back. I would do anything to have it back.

One night I was laying in bed with my eyes closed and this image of Mom came in my mind. She was smiling, had her hair pulled back, she had on a little make up and she had this V-neck sheer kinda  paisley print shirt on. The V-neck was heavily beaded and she was smiling such a pretty smile. The smile I remember her always smiling. Such a pretty smile. Will I ever see that smile again? It's been such a long battle these past few weeks that the image I saw is almost like a stranger to me. I haven't seen Mom truly happy or smile like that in such a long time. I ache for that smile to come across her face again.

I sat on the bed with mom as she was trying to sleep earlier. I was holding her hand. Trying to burn the way her hand feels in my mind, take in every bone, every wrinkle, remember everything. I didn't want to let go. She told me to go and do what I want to do, I didn't have to sit there with her. But I did... I told her I was doing what I want to do. I was sitting beside her holding her hand. There is NO where else I'd rather be.