Day 1

We learned today that mom has cancer. They don't know for sure where and they don't know for sure where it started. They are thinking maybe the bile ducts, he mentioned maybe the pancreas or somewhere in that area. The biopsy of the liver they did during her March 30 gallbladder surgery came back positive for cancer.
I feel in a way I always knew this was coming. Both of her parents died from cancer, her mother's was breast cancer that spread everywhere and her father from pancreatic cancer. I just hoped it would not be so soon. I've only had her 33 years. It's not enough. But cancer doesn't care, does it?
I just want to hold her. Look at her. Remember every single thing about her. Every grey hair, every wrinkle, her fingernails, her smile. Too soon the time may come that I won't have that.
I don't know what I'm going to do. How can I be without my mommy? She's my everything. How can I go a day without hearing her voice...hey, baby. I love my mom so much, probably too much. I think we all live each other too much, if that's possible.

Today we were saying something about her hair, something about washing it and she touched her hair and said,"Yeah, while I still have hair."

I just want her to stay positive. I often hear that's the key. I come home and bawl my eyes out. My heart is broken. But I'm strong in front of her. That's what's important not what the outcome is.

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