Dsy 8 & 9

First of all, this new blogger lay out sucks... I can't see anything above this tiny box and I don't know how this is even going to turn out...

Yesterday Mom was feeling really bad. Her right shoulder started hurting and she was getting pains through her right side when she would breathe. Of course I worried it was another blood clot. She was having a slight fever, feeling nauseated, hurt to breath and was coughing. She HATED being in Global Rehab. She feels her health declined while she was there. She's right. It did.

Yesterday was a pretty big day at work. The trainers from upstairs we down in the lab with us. I also had my first coaching on my first call. Needless to say I didn't do that good. There are TONS of room for improvement, but it was my first call, in a state I'm not licensed in yet and I have all this other stuff on my mind. It's not so easy to leave these problems at the door once I get in to work. Anyway, I did love getting critiqued, I feel it helps me now, even yesterday, to improve the quality of my calls.

All day yesterday, during each break and all through lunch, I was on the phone with several of Mom's doctors trying to find out what we should do. Something needed to be done. Her surgeon, Dr. Vish, even called me back from the operating room to tell me he and Mom's oncologist want her to go to the ER for an emergency evaluation since they didn't know what her INR levels were. I called her Dr. Mulroy from Global Rehab and advised him of this. All I got in return was, "Honey, I understand you're worried. But sweety, let me do that for you, ok hun? I've got this honey. I want to see you're mom better as much as you sweety. I know what I'm doing. Her levels are fine honey. I checked them this morning hun. Honey, hold on, ok sweety...."Yes, I'd like a tall iced coffee with a little sweetener." Ok, honey, I'm back. Sweety, everything is ok. If I didn't think I couldn't take care of her I would be the first to send her back to the hospital. Ok? Don't worry honey, I've got this. Just call me if you need to later,ok sweety?" I wish I was joking about all the honey's and sweeties and sweethearts...but I'm not. That's the only comical part of this situation. I guess I forgot to mention that when he handed me his card he held my hand and said, "This is my cell phone number. You call anytime, day or night. It will be MY PLEASURE to talk to you...anytime."

ANYWAY..... an internist (sp?) did some tests and found that Mom's blood levels were way off and her blood is way too thin because of the coumidin and sent her via ambulance back to the hospital. She's been there since last night. They were running lots of tests on her as late as 2:30 a.m. I left the hospital when the tests were completed. She was so nauseated and sick and felt so bad.

Mom told me, "I wonder how much the human heart can take." I asked her what she meant and she said, "How much suffering can the body and heart take? When does it give up?" I told her SHE can't give up, this is just a little bump on the road to getting better and she WILL get better now that she's back in the right hospital and away from Global Rehab.

I have been so unbelievable stressed out. I needed to just get away. I went to Austin with Emil and Lena today. We came home around 2:30-3:00. I talked with mom on the phone a bit, picked up her medicines, packed some items for her, ran to Ingram for Emil and then headed over to the hospital. CC was hungry so I took her to Las Palapas and by the time I got back to the hospital it was 9:30 and the nurse told mom she needed to take her medicine so that she could get some rest. I didn't get to spend nearly enough time with her today and I feel so damn guilty.

 Mom was talking about a lot of things this evening. Like when Lena first came home from the hospital and Emil and I were nervous about what to do with her. Mom pretty much raised CC because Emil and I were so young and inexperienced and we really had no clue what to do. Mom said she sat in the rocking chair and held Lena up to her should and Lena snuggled her head into the crook of Mom's neck and just looked up at Mom with those big blues eyes. Mom said right then her heart melted and she fell instantly in love with Lena. She also asked Lena if she remembered their walks in North Star Mall in the mornings after Lena spent the night and how they would go to Wendy's for breakfast. Mom always wanted me to go walk with her just one time at North Star and I never made the time to go. You have NO IDEA what I would do to go back to last summer and do that, even just once. I would do anything to have that time with her. She also talked about how much fun she had going to school events that the girls had and how one time she went to Lena's school for something the day after she had rhinoplasty...again because I was too busy working and didn't make the time.

I hope her bringing up those memories aren't because she's giving up. I know she's tired and I know this is so hard on her. I see the changes on her face, in her skin. She's exhausted and we haven't even begun treatment yet. I am so freaking scared and worried. I am trying to give this to God but I still have all these emotions running through me. I'm fine at time and then times like now I am confused and lost and scared and hurt and I just want my mommy.

Lena cried hard the whole way home. Mom couldn't eat much, she's lost nine pounds in one week. I keep telling myself it's because of the medicines, even though it's a classic symptom of liver cancer. My poor Lena keeps all her feeling and emotions bottled up and never lets them out. I guess she couldn't hold it back any longer tonight. When I was telling Emil about how Mom only ate a cracker and two chips, Lena started crying and didn't stop. I told her it was ok to cry. It will help us.

I know I need to try to get some sleep. I'm so tired and exhausted. My house looks like shit. Literally. It's horrible. I try to pick up here and there, but I am never here physically and when I am, I am really never here mentally. I need one day to just stay home and clean. But I want to spend as much time as I can with Mom. I think it's good for her and I enjoy it. I am really thinking about hiring someone to just come help out around the house a couple of days a week. At least that would be one less thing I would have to stress about.