Day 5...

I got to mom late today. I had a few things to do around the house.

She worked hard at physical therapy today. Maybe too hard. She sounded real down and looked a little depressed. She said she was just so tired.

Mom asked me if she was ever going to feel good again. She said she was so tired of being sick and tired. She started crying and I just held her. I needed to feel her body and my arms, healthy and strong before the treatments make her frail and weak.

Mom wore make-up today it was nice to see her looking a bit more like herself.

I'm terrified of what next week brings. In a way I want to know what we're dealing with but I'm also afraid of what we might find out. We know she has cancer we just don't know how far it is or where it's spread. It's the uncertainty, the not knowing that makes this so hard. I just want my mommy to be the same, to be the way she used to be smiling and happy, always on the go and cooking something.

When I go to her apartment to check on things, I wonder if it will ever be that way again. Her car is parked outside my house and sometimes I drive home and absentmindedly think for second, "Oh, look my mom's here!" Then I remember where she's at and where we're going.


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