Closing Out 2014, Welcoming 2015

It's hard to believe it's 2015. Time seems to be flying by. I've made resolutions in the past...return voice mails, be a better friend, be more organized...it works great and well for a few weeks, maybe a couple of months, then I'm back to my old self. 

This year I'm forgoing any resolutions and will just make adjustments along the way. I need to be a better listener. I listen all the time at work and I think when I come home I kinda turn it off. I need to listen more at home than anything else. What can be more important than listening to your family, for issues big and small. 

That could be an entire post on it's own!

On Christmas Eve the girls and I went to Santa's Ranch. We had gone a few years earlier with a friend but hadn't been back, mostly due to time restrictions. We didn't think we would be getting out of the car so we wore pajamas and CC only had on fuzzy socks. Well, half way there Lena and I needed a potty break and we all wanted coffee or hot cocoa. 

So into Buc-ee's we went...pj's and all. I am so super opposed to people walking about in pajama's, and now I was among them! 

Then my eyes felt really dry and I rubbed them and Lena asked me, with a serious look on her face, "Mom, what's wrong with your eye?" I rubbed a contact out and it was folded, coming out the corner of my eye. Thankfully I found a bottle of solution and put it back in and we were on our way!

Santa's Ranch definitely expanded since we were last there. Here are a few of my favorites!

Stagecoach 

This lighted tunnel has been there since the first time we went. It's so pretty and magical to drive through. 

These photo's don't capture the whimsy and beauty of flickering lights. 

There was a new scene called "In the Beginning". 

It started with the sun, the planets, dinosaurs, Adam and Eve, Noah's Ark and so on. 

I loved Moses parting the waters of the Red Sea. 

I also loved the Ten Commandments.   

David and Goliath 

Jonah and the whale 

Another blue, twinkling light tunnel with trees on each side. 

It was so magical and pretty.

More light wrapped trees, a windmill and even a Go, Spurs, Go sign. 

On New Year's Eve we stayed in. CC worked late and it was cold. Emil and I stopped by the Russian store to pick up some bacon, drinks, cheese and wine. There is one Georgian wine I love but they were all out, as usual. It's a sweet red wine and there is nothing quite like it. 

We substituted this Armenia pomegranate wine. It was really good but really, really strong. One glass was MORE than enough for all of us!

Emil and I drove around talking about the plans and wishes we have. We made it home just in time to watch the local countdown to 2015 on TV. 

When the midnight hour strikes, they usually play oldies and do a major firework display. 

This year they played all new music and no close up of the fireworks. Lena was mad and wanted to drive around and look at fireworks. I had been up since 530 the previous morning and was in no way awake enough to take her. 

We have had some pretty cold weather lately. I've stocked up on different coffees to keep me warm. 

I even woke up to ice on my car a few times. 

Papa Bear bought me a Criminal Minds calendar. I was too excited to put it up at work. I get to look at my guys all day, then come home and watch at least two dvr'd shows in the evening. I can't get enough of Criminal Minds. Some nights I even dream of them...it's usually me and Rossi catching someone. Once I dreamed I was at a garage sale trying to find Hotchner a heart...because he never smiles. 

And I found this cutie on Instagram. I couldn't resist it! 

Two weeks ago Papa Bear and I were going to take a day trip but had to come home so I could pick up my pain medicine. Even trips in the car, other than running errands, causes my back and neck to hurt. 

Thankfully we back because as we were leaving we noticed the back fence was broken and both dogs escaped through our neighbors back yard, who hasn't put up his back fence yet.

They must have just gotten out because they weren't far down the street, but it's a very busy street. Emil and I pulled into the middle lane because we saw Luigi walking across the two north-bound lanes and get inches....inches...from getting hit by a car. It was like everything went in slow motion.

But where was Coco? 

At the same time I white suv pulled to the side of the road to our right and a truck behind that one. The two people in the white suv jumped out and looked down in the ditch. Emil ran over to the right of the road with them while I was getting Luigi from the left. 

I saw Emil look down the ditch and then rub the top of his head. 

I was so scared to see.

Coco was hit by the white suv but the driver said she just tapped her. We wrapped her up, got her out and went straight to the Animal ER. Her breathing was labored.

She had a bruised lung and bleeding around it and she fractured her left back paw in two places.

She had to stay in the hospital until the net day in an oxygen tank.

She had to have a cast put on, take pain pills, anti-inflammatory pills and an antibiotic.

But she was alive!

And two weeks later she chewed off her cast and decided it was time to start tormenting our cats again. I said either the vet showed me another dog's x-rays or this is a bionic girl! 

Lena and I wanted a warm-me-up, so we stopped by Local Coffee one evening. I had forgotten how delicious it is. It has the charm and ambiance of a quaint, cozy coffeehouse where patrons aren't just paying customers, they're friends. 

On this evening Lena opted for a Mexican Chocolate Cappuccino.

It was delicious! 

And last night, after meeting my friend Deana for coffee and cake, I took Lena back to Local Coffee to try their Affogato. It's two shots of espresso poured over vanilla ice cream.

I never tried anything like it. 

And CC picked me up from work last week with the sweetest surprise!

A teddy bear with a note and a penguin pen. I love, love my sweet girl! 

June 2014

Ahhh June...where did you go?

Where is this year going?

Once again, I'm playing catch up.

The beginning of June, I think it was June 3, my surgeon allowed me to remove my neck brace! It was a sweet, sweet moment. It did take some time getting used to not having it on. I still have restrictions...no looking up for three months, no lifting over 10 pounds, no sleeping in my bed for three months. 

We went to see our crazy boy graduate.

I love him, love him, love him. He's the son I never had!

I stayed at my niece's home...she has chickens all over.

I woke up to this....

for someone who is scared of chickens, this was a bit unnerving to see first thing in the morning as soon as you step outside! 

I celebrated my first day at church without my brace by letting my hair down and putting on make up. 

For three months I had to have my hair up in buns and twists and pony tails because of the brace. I am in desperate need of a good cut due to all the split ends now!! 

While we may be smiling on this picture, it was a super, super sad day.

My 23 yr old nephew drowned in a true accident. TJ was a great swimmer, in excellent health. He drowned about 15 minutes after arriving at the lake. We think he must have suffered a cramp when he got out in the water. He went down and never came back up.

I am here with my brother, his dad, and my youngest nephew. 

If you look in the back of this photo, there is TJ's grave...just yards from my other nephew Quin's grave. 

A few days later, on a rainy Monday, we picked up the newest (and baddest and most stressful) member of our family, Koko. 

She may look sweet...oh, she is anything but sweet.

Either I'm really old and losing patience or she is really, really bad. 

I think she is just really, really bad! 

She exhausts everyone...even Luigi complains....

A few days later we went to Yoakum to commemorate my baby boy Quin's one year since he passed away. It would have been his 21st birthday.

His grave was decorated with balloons. I'd say close to 100 people came out. 

We wrote messages on balloons and released them into the sky. I think it was this moment that really made him being gone seem real.

I always told myself he was away playing ball. I was able to survive and function that way. 

This made it too real. 

There was no lying to myself any longer.

I miss my Quin so, so much.

I found this photo and I think it sums up perfectly how family and friends feel after a loved one commits suicide. We will never know what happened that day...or if it even was truly suicide...but we do know that now we have to make sense of a life without Quin. Sometimes it just seems so hard to do.

I had been feeling sick for a while...ear hurting, tired, throat hurting off and on, congestion...you name it.

My cold turned into a nasty ear infection.

Two ear drops, an antibiotic and allergic reaction later I'm just now starting to feel better. It sucked starting work back like that.

I tried to self medicate by eating pozole at a little Mexican restaurant! 

June also brought us our first day over 100 degrees.... 

The good news is that we have had some good rains and my grape vine has really loved it! 

On my last day at home before going back to work CC took me to the Pig Stand for chocolate cake. This is where Emil took me on our first day and I took the girls there for homemade desserts and this is where she wanted to take me.

Each booth has an old fashioned music player. 

We put our money in but CC punched in the wrong number..no Otis Redding Sittin' On The Dock Of the Bay...

and it played some other albums songs the entire time we were there 

Back at work and back at hitting up Starbucks. I was good the first two days..then I gave in.

I really need to get better with this temptation thing! 

Goings On

I love that Spring is here. I love the pastel colors, the cooler mornings and warmer evenings.

 I love hearing the birds sing, the squirrels play on my roof and mostly, I love seeing the flowers, shrubs, trees come to life.

I don't love the allergies.

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I am somewhat of an olive oil snob. I've researched, experimented and failed in my quest to find the perfect olive oil. Not all olive oils are created equally, and if you believe they're all the same you are oh, so wrong.

I do favor Italian olive oils, naturally. But Greek and Tunisian olive oils are good too. I have been too big of a fan of Spanish olive oils.

But this olive oil, I found at my local grocery store. It was a bit more pricey than usual...but oh, my goodness.

It is delicious! 

I am in love. 

I am so much in love, in fact, that I feel I need to stock pile this stuff.

You see that dark color?

That's not the bottle...no...

that's the olive oil, unfiltered olive oil.

My dip had so much more flavor. My pasta coated so much better.

I am truly in love! 

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I wanted to try out a new recipe, so I perused Teresa Guidici's cookbook and found a simple recipe, that I had all ingredients for, for baked chicken.

Basically you combine unflavored yogurt, milk and salt in one bowl and in the next bowl combine Panko crumbs and dry seasonings.

She detailed exactly which seasonings to use. I created my own.

I used garlic powder, onion power, Italian seasoning (naturally), dried basil, cilantro and chives and cheese. 

Then baked for about 10 minutes on one side, flipped and 15 mins on the other side.

It was so good!

And it was fast and easy..in my book that's A+! 

And since Spring is here, the girls and I decided we needed to make some cupcakes.

One thing that I have been spending a bit too much time on is watching beauty vloggers on You Tube. 

I see them recommend something, that is so great and so revolutionary and of course so very necessary. 

So what does April do? She runs out to purchase each item.

No bueno!

This is just the eye shadow I have amassed in the past few months.

Again, no bueno!

And truth be told, I only use the same two or three colors each day. I always hope that I will have the courage to try new colors and techniques but I am comfortable with what I know.

I have found some new items that are really good and have become part of my everyday routine. 

Two weeks ago we went to visit Quin. I never, ever imagined I would be visiting him here. 

Someone made a bench right by his grave and left a marker there. Now when people go to sit with him they leave their name and a message. It's a really beautiful way to remember the love and light he shed upon each one of us. It's also a great testimony of how suicide effects everyone, forever.

Quin had such life. His love was bigger than him. 

His smile could melt your heart, make angels sing.

I look at this and wonder how that grave is even big enough to hold him.

I remember his hearty, sweet laugh.
I'll never hear that laugh again. No one will ever have a laugh to match his, and I wouldn't want them to.

I see how his death has hurt my girls, my sisters, my nieces and nephews.

I wonder if Quin knew how much he was loved. Did he just want to scare his girlfriend? Does the girlfriend know a lot more than she's letting on? She says they weren't arguing, but why was there a broken tea pitcher in the other room? Why did she delete messages from Quin's facebook between him and the other guy she was seeing? How did Quin get a huge know over his left eye? Blood doesn't coagulate when you're dead. She's never, ever talked about it.

Did Quin even really do it? How does someone die when they can stand up?

Too many unanswered questions but one hard, cold, piercing reality...no matter what the answers to those questions are, Quin is still not here.

And because of that, none of us will ever be the whole.

I also stopped by to visit my dad and my favorite uncle. 

I really should bring them some fresh, new flowers. 

And while there I made my scars from my Charlie more permanent!

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Every Spring I want to change up my mantle. 

I always want to put some cute, white, distressed birds and clear out a majority of the unnecessary things up there.

I've never done it, and honestly, probably won't this year either. But it would be nice for a change. 

My papa brought home some delicious caviar.

We used to eat this all the time. Not so much now.

The only Russian store that sold it here is pretty expensive, but his friend found a place to order it online.

Oh my word, it is delicious! 

My surgery date is set. I am extremely nervous. I have never had surgery in my life. Ever. 

This scares the crap out of me.

I can no longer sleep at night. The pain keeps me up. 

I get numbness and tingling in my left arm almost daily now.

It used to be only if I tried to do something, like sweep or wash dishes. Now I can get it at any time.

I get horrible migraines at work, looking down at my keyboard.

Driving hurts. I do it because I have to.

I know that this surgery will/is supposed to fix me.

But I am terrified.

This stupid injury has changed my entire life.

And I hate it.

But I am willing to do what it takes to be me again.

To be a mother to my daughters again and a wife to Emil.

They have suffered so much too through this.

It has really effected EVERY SINGLE aspect of our family, personal and intimate life.

At least I have a really cute snuggle buddy when I'm home in pain.