Goodbye To Our "Supahman" Quin

Exactly one month ago today, my nephew Quin turned 20.]

Exactly one month ago today he was excited, happy...

laughing that his dog that got away was found at Wal-Mart in the dog food section.

Quin said maybe he was buying him a birthday present.

Exactly one month ago today Quin died.

Quin was our little baby. 

Our real, true Superman.

When he was little I would put him to sleep and sing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" to him.

He loved it.

He loved sleeping on my chest and I loved him.

 I remember once when he was a baby I was with him in the grocery store and this elderly lady came up to me, looked me up and down, looked at Quin and told me "That is just disgusting!"

What was "disgusting" was her attitude towards to this beautiful, innocent child. I loved my Quin with a fierceness.
Quin loved football. It was his life.

And he was damn good at it.

At his homegoing we heard time and again how they never saw moves like his at the high school level.

He signed with Blinn to play college football, with an eye on the Aggies.

All of his cousins loved him and looked up to him. 

Quin had the most beautiful heart you could imagine.

And his smile...oh, that smile.

I've never seen one as beautiful as his....

and I know I never will again. 

He was good. His heart was good and he did always have the best of intentions.

He loved his mom...he was a true mama's boy... 

Here you see this big, over six foot tall, good looking boy and you would never expect that he would be the mama's baby that he was. 

He was also so protective of his younger brother....working hard to give him things he needed.

When I got the call that day...one month ago, on his birthday...somehow I knew it was going to be something about Quin. He rode his bike..he loved his bike...and I thought maybe he had an accident on it.

When my sister was calling and calling me and texting me to call her NOW....

deep down I knew it had something to do with Quin. 

I was already having a not too good day..it was exactly 13 months since mom passed away.

When my sister told me "Quin's dead." I felt my heart drop out of me. 

It felt like someone punched me in the stomach.

I remember screaming NO...NO... 

The next thing I remember my phone was across the room and I was on the floor and I felt like I was going to throw up. I felt like I couldn't get enough air in me. The room was getting smaller and smaller.

I grabbed my phone and looked at his Facebook....

and it was all these messages saying "Tell me it isn't true" "R.I.P Supahman"

I looked at my manager and asked why do they keep saying Rip Quin...

It's his birthday...he's not dead...it's not real...

make them quit saying that. 

But it was real...and thus opened up a new wound...one that seems to stay open.

Not one day goes by that Quin isn't on my mind. 

I hate...I despise...I loathe the 18th.

I simply cannot comprehend that Quin is gone. 

I can't believe there will never be another picture of him again.

I will never feel those big arms wrap around me and hug me.

I'll never hear him tell me, "I love you Aunt April."

We all will never be blessed with seeing that beautiful smile or hear his sweet voice and hearty laugh.

We are left now with memories....

memories of a life cut way too short.

memories and tears

and an ache that will never dull.

His homegoing was a display of the love he showed to others and the love they felt for him.

There wasn't enough room in the church.

People were standing outside.

This was just a small portion of the gathering at the cemetery. 

Quin loved tattoos...

and he was our "Supahman"

I have been wanting to get another tattoo for quite some time

but didn't know exactly what to get. 

I knew I wanted something with meaning.

I got Quin's Supahman Q. 

I put it on my left ankle because that's the side my heart is on and Quin will always have a piece of my heart.

always.

He was my first baby.

He captured my heart when he first fell asleep on my chest and I stroked his soft curly hair.

I secretly loved that he wanted me in the middle of the nights and wouldn't go to sleep until he was with me.

He was my baby.

I loved him so much.
I still do.

After Mom died, I told myself she is just on vacation.
I can't call her because she doesn't have her phone with her.

That's how I made it through the first several months.

Now I tell myself Quin is just away playing ball.
That's why I haven't seen him or talked to him.

He's not able to answer his phone because he's busy playing ball.

This is a hurt I'm not sure I will learn how to master. I just want to reverse time and hug my big baby one more time.
I just want to tell him I love you and hear him tell me it back.

I never, ever understood why mom and Quin's other grandmother Franna passed away so quickly from cancer. I just couldn't get it.

Then I understood.

The Bible promises us that God will never give you more than you can handle.

He knew they wouldn't be able to handle seeing Quin dead.

He knew that would literally kill them.

So, he let them fall asleep in death first.

Each day now I focus on making it through that day.

I worry about tomorrow tomorrow.

Quin often asked why people struggle to live in such an ugly world.

You have to struggle to see the good in this ugly world.

The world was prettier with him in it.

Now he makes my dreams pretty.

Last night....

Was the ending to one of those really good days.
Micah and Manzy were so cute snuggled together..


My neck and shoulder were hurting pretty darn bad and was joined by one of those wonderful migraines...
....BUT....
My papa bear took me to the Saxet Gun Show and we had a great time!







He later went out with friends and the girls and I enjoyed a movie night at home...
We started with To The Arctic...




It was beautiful!!! I want to buy it. There were moments where we teared up, especially when the mama polar bear "danced" in the water with her baby.




Speaking of a mama and her babies...I realized yesterday my little baby Lena will be a teenager in six months and my sweet big baby CC will legally be an adult in seven months. Where did the time go? It seems like just yesterday we were laying little CC on a heating pad to keep her warm and my sweet little Lena was just itty bitty, wearing "lipstips" and telling us we were "fluffly" when she was mad at us...
Next up was one I've been wanting to see for a while...Robot and Frank.




It was soooooo good...definitely worth the wait!




Even the girls enjoyed it!




We ate a little pizza




and drank a bit too much coffee...




(The Keurig Donut Shop for the Vue is our favorite.)
Then I talked to my brother on the phone for about an hour...I really, really love and miss him.
We finished the night with Texas Chainsaw Massacre 3D.




I was terrified and didn't want to watch it but the girls say through my two movies, so I sat through this one. It was pretty good. I only jumped and spilled Dr. Pepper on Lena twice. Then she got up and moved away from me.




But the ending was good...for once!
- Posted from my iPhone

Tanning, Poker and Grapes

Last Saturday my Papa Bear had the once in a lifetime opportunity of playing a home game of poker with two time WSOP bracelet winner Howard Lederer. He was so excited!!!

He woke me up when he came home and was bubbling over with excitement and stories.

I think it was one of the best nights of his life.

****

Sunday he and I went to go see Hangover 3...it was so funny!

I liked it much better than the second one....definitely less raunchy, which is probably why the reviews weren't as good....such a shame.

This was probably the funniest one. Emil laughed until he cried!

****

I love getting some color on my skin, but now with my neck and shoulder issues that's out of the picture as well....

A girl at work was passing around an Avon book and I found their self-tanners on sale.

I have never tried a self tanning lotion and the stories I've heard about them are just down right scary.

I thought I'd be brave and order Avon' Skin So Soft tanning lotion.

It promised results in four days.

This is before any application.

Scary huh?

After two applications.... 

And after four applications...

My skin had a healthy glow, no staining of the hands or clothes.

It dries quickly and smells nice and it moisturizes my skin.

I like it!

****

We've been hit with some crazy rain!

Lots of the city has been flooded and one highway shut down for a few days.

My grapes love it though... 

They're getting so big and heavy.

This rain has done them good.

It has even brought a little life back to my Peace Rose. I was so worried that I was going to lose it.

CC and I needed a little break and went for a drive...

She drove, I sat....evening driving isn't easy with my neck and shoulder some days.

We found this house and loved the way it looked all lit up at night. 

Lena's last day of school is tomorrow...then she's on to 7th grade...where does the time go?

Charlie has been an unimaginable cry baby and is rarely off my lap once I get home.

Work is work and my school it out too.

May 2013 Birchbox Product Review

I was so excited to get my Birchbox this month. It's really like a box full of lots of

little presents just waiting for you!!

I have tried each product and LOVE them all.....

 

My absolute favorite is the Sumita eyeliner.

I have been wearing eyeliner for quiet some time and I have NEVER,

NEVER, EVER had an eyeliner like this.

EVER.

It feels like velvet going on. It's a true, deep black and it stays on all day.

It gives you clean lines or can be smudged for a smoky look.

You can get it here now at Birchbox with free shipping!! 

My second favorite and also another product I will certainly be purchasing the full size of is this Marvis brand Italian toothpaste that cleans AND polishes. It is truly the best toothpaste I have ever

tried hands down. I love it. My whole family loves it.

Your mouth feels so clean and fresh and the freshness lasts.

I have seriously never tried a toothpaste like this.

I can't sing it's praises enough!

Get it here at Birchbox with free shipping. 

There was a small sample of Isaac Mizrahi's FABULOUS Eau de Parfum.

I really did enjoy it. The small sample had enough for two light uses.

It has a very fresh and sweet smell. Definitely a wonderful scent for spring and summer.

This perfume also has free shipping now on Birchbox. 

There was also a sample of COOLA Classic SPF30 Cucumber Moisturizer for the face.

I do not wear sunscreen everyday, like I should, but this moisturizing sunscreen felt so good going on and had such a fresh (cucumber) smell. It's made from 70% certified organic ingredients and it too has free shipping when purchased at Birchbox.com. 

I gave CC this Amika nourishing mask for the hair to try out.

She has much more and fuller hair than I do and I thought I'd get better feedback from her.

She really liked it and it left her hair feeling great and looking healthy.

Purchase it here on Birchbox. 

There was also a Pilot Acroball pen included. I really liked it.

I saw others complaining that they received a pen in their box this month, but I really like it.

It write so well and smooth. There was also a coupon for it. I plan to purchase some as soon as I can find it. I like pens...I believe you can never have enough. This is one pen I really do like! 

And last month they provided a couple of bags of Mighty Leaf tea.

I tried the Chamomile Citrus tea the other night...

it was THE BEST hot tea I have ever had.

The flavor and the aroma were just amazing and it came in such a cute little pouch! 

And if you haven't signed up for Birchbox...do it here....try it for a month or so, see how you like it.

I bet you'll get hooked!

~~**~~**~~**~~**~~**~~**~~

We had massive amounts of rain last night and today.

I love hearing the sound of rain and the way it smells.

I used to look forward to the rain coming.

....HOWEVER....

My neck and shoulder have been hurting me something terrible and I told Emil the weather must be changing because it's hurting more than normal.

He thought I was crazy....and sure enough....we had flash flood and flood warnings through out the city.

My grapevine sure loved the rain.

I can't believe how fast and big it's getting!

Those grapes are going to be ripened so soon!

I have never seen my grapevine this luscious and productive! 

CC bathed the cats today.

I blogged...

and that's about it.

I'm trying to talk my girls into watching Silver Bullet on Netflix...

let's see if I get anywhere!

Missing Mom - One Year Later

Today marks 365 days since I have seen my mother's face....365 days since I kissed her cheek...365 days since I touched her hands or stroked her hair.

One year later it's still hard.

Going back to that day....horrible...sitting in the hospital room, looking at your mom, someone always so strong, weak, pale and fighting to live. The Bible says "Time indefinite was put in their hearts" and Mom showed that. She fought hard...we wiped sweat from above her lip...she struggled to breathe...she fought as long as she could and then her body gave out.

I wasn't there when Mom died. I went to pick up Emil and the girls so they could tell her goodbye. In a way I am so thankful I didn't see her take her last breath. I think I would have died right there beside her. I never, ever in my 34 years of life thought I would be living with out her. Here I am one year later still trying to make sense of it.

I remember we went to her apartment later that evening and just sat there. Just sat. Took it all in. Her smells...where she left her housecoat, her house shoes, her crossword puzzles. We looked at all the life in that little apartment. It was begging for her, screaming for her to walk back in it....just like my heart was screaming for this not to be real. How could any of us have known that when I took her to the emergency room for coughing up blood, she would never again step foot in her apartment? How could we know that only 41 days later she would be gone.

I remember reading that broken heart disease is a real thing. People have died from it. It usually happens within two weeks of the traumatic event. I remember thinking to myself, willing myself to live, despite how badly it didn't really matter. I knew I had a family and it was my job to be strong for them. How could I? I didn't know how to live with out my mom.

For the next few months I told myself she was on a vacation...on a tropical island with big elephant ear plants and no allergies. I told myself she couldn't get cell phone reception there. That's how I survived. I couldn't allow myself to accept that my mommy was dead. That just wasn't possible. Sometimes I would get angry. Mad that she didn't want chemo, upset that she left us. Couldn't she understand how we needed her? How I needed her? She helped me through every aspect of my life. There was nothing too big that she couldn't handle. And now she was gone and I was left to make my way through the pain and hurt and trials ahead...make my way without her. I had to grow up literally over night. I didn't know how to be me without her. I still don't.

I hate to say this, because I know I have so much to be thankful for, but I feel that such a huge part of my heart, part of me, died with her one year ago. I feel that though I will be happy and will smile, it's not 100% of me in it, because part of me is gone too now. I don't know if that will ever change or if I will just learn to handle it better.

My first dream of Mom was just a week or so after she passed. I dreamed we were all sitting on my bed...me, my sisters, my girls and Mom. Mom got up and walked to the kitchen and I got up and ran after her and I said, "I knew it wasn't true. I knew it was all a dream. I knew it! I knew you couldn't really leave us! Mom it was so terrible...I had a bad dream..." I reached out to touch her and she vanished away like smoke. I woke myself up crying.

One night on my way home from work I was listening to a song and it hit me....Mom is dead...she is really dead...she's gone...this is real...she's not on vacation, she's not just gone away. Mom is dead. I cried like I've never cried before. I screamed out for her several times as loud as I could....screamed for my mom. beating my fists on the steering wheel. I tried to drive through tear filled eyes and a pounding heart. It was then that I slowly started to accept the facts.

My heart is so completely broken, shattered a year later. I miss her so much. There are still times when I grab my phone to call her or tell her something. Just a few weeks ago on my break at work I grabbed my phone and said, "I haven't talked to Mom in a while...I need to call her." I turned my phone on, went to the key pad...then the pain struck my stomach and my heart....it wasn't going to happen. I wasn't going to call Mom. Not that day...not ever. I'm never going to hear her voice again. That's MY mom...how can this be possible?

In my opinion, Mom was the greatest mother in the world. Perfect? No. But I know she did her best. We spent several hours, her crying, me listening...that she knows some of the choices she made were wrong, but there was no other way for a woman with six children and no education. Her hurting because others didn't understand or didn't care to understand. I knew her pain. I saw it in her eyes...heard it in her voice. She loved still. She didn't let that stop her, but she had limitations. She was often sick and couldn't do all that she wanted. When we were young, she worked odd jobs, cash jobs, doing what she had to do to put clothes on our back and food on our table. I can honestly say there was never one thing I ever needed...wanted maybe...but needed...no.

CC put this video together for her. Looking back I can see that she knew she was sick. I don't think she knew how bad it was. She started telling us about a year or so before she passed, "I'm not going to be here forever. When I'm gone, you're going to wish you spent more time with me." She started giving us things, little things. I should have known then. One night in particular, I remember she sat us down to look at old pictures. She was telling us who was in each picture and little stories behind it. She said she wanted us to remember.

I love my mama. I love her so much. I miss my mama. I wish she was here, especially with all this neck and back crap I'm going through. I want her back so bad. I just wish I could crawl in bed with her, lay on her arm and listen to her heart beat one more time. I wish I had my mama.

Need More Like It

Yesterday was one of those rare days where everything pretty much just went right. Work was good. Traffic was good. Coffee was good.

Yesterday evening I came home and rested on the couch. We watched some My Big Fat American Gypsy Wedding episodes I had DVR'd.


I love that show. Papa Bear doesn't "get" why I watch it...but honestly, who wouldn't like to look at pretty dresses like these...








We ordered Pizza Hut's Cheesy Pocket Pizza...


It was soooo good....
And CC made a delicious spinach salad...


I got to bed around 10:30 which is SUPER early and I only woke up once.
I could definitely use more evenings like these!
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone