Getting Things Done... :-(

Last Saturday the girls and I went to Mom's apartment to clear out what little stuff was left. 

Her smell was still there. I took it in, knowing I wouldn't get the chance to smell it much more.

I used to get so irritated with that smell and wash the clothes she gave me over and over so it wouldn't smell. I would give anything to have just one item that would keep that smell forever. 

I think this was one of the hardest parts for me. Mom had this wooden hanger on her bathroom wall. Her nightgowns and house coats always occupied most of the wooden knobs. But the second to last one held the girls toys from when they were small (or not so small) and would take long, play baths.

 I couldn't help but think.... the last time Mom scooped these toys up and put them in the red net bag, did she have any idea this would be the last time my girls would play with them? 

 And how about this little froggy? Mom loved frogs. They were everywhere.

It had to be the last toy she put in the bag.

 This was in Mom's kitchen cabinet. All her little handwritten notes

She was such a unique person. 

I really miss her.

I made a HUGE mistake by listening to her answering machine. 

There was a message on there from when she was in the hospital and she was calling me at her house to remind me to bring her something. 

Just hearing her say, "April, are you still there? It's Mom...."

I answered, "Yes, Mom, I'm still here."

I was still there.

She wasn't. And she never would be again.

One night when she was in the hospital she asked me if I thought she would ever go inside her apartment again. She said, "Who would have thought the day you brought me in for coughing up blood would be the last time I'd ever be in there." 

I told her she was wrong. We would be in there again together.

She was right. I was wrong.

The girls and I were hungry, and a bit depressed. 

Lena wanted to go to Le Madeleine for dinner.

Lena had Chicken Friand, I had the Spinach Pouchette.

 I chose the Potato Soup... it was sooo good!

 Lena picked out Tomato Basil soup. We ended up swapping soups...

Both were sooo delicious!

 And CC had a delicious salad... not sure where the picture went. I will have to try to find it and upload it later.

I love the decor in Le Madeleine. It's so homey. We would take Mom there often.

It was "our" little place.

 I bought myself a bottle of Chambord and some creme. I added Frangelico that I had gotten from Mom's house and made Nuts and Berries.

We went back to Mom's tonight. It really will be the last time. There was a note inside her apartment saying that they would be locking it and disposing of whatever is left. 

There is nothing left except empty boxes. 

It's sad to have that taken away from me. I wish I could afford to keep her apartment forever.

Just to have a place to go back and think of her...

Think of her sitting in her rocking chair, baking brownies, watching TV shows she had recorded and just knew we would like. Just sit there around her things, around the life she created there.

Just be there with my memories. Just be.

But I can't and it's probably better that way.

It feels almost like a layer of stress gone to have her apartment taken care of. 

But at the same time, it's really depressing and sad and hard.

Lately there have been alot of layers peeled. Some for the better even though it's going to make it so hard for us for a while. I know things will get better. They have to right?

I wish I had Mom here to talk to about it. I need her here to talk to about it and give me advice and words of encouragement. But I don't have that. I have to keep it all in and it's hard. 

I need her in all aspects of my life. For the big things, for the little things and everything in between.

I try to imagine things she would say to me. 

I try to do things the way she would want me to. 

I just really, really want my mama.