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Exactly one month ago today, my nephew Quin turned 20.]
Exactly one month ago today he was excited, happy...
laughing that his dog that got away was found at Wal-Mart in the dog food section.
Quin said maybe he was buying him a birthday present.
Exactly one month ago today Quin died.
Quin was our little baby.
Our real, true Superman.
When he was little I would put him to sleep and sing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" to him.
He loved it.
He loved sleeping on my chest and I loved him.
I remember once when he was a baby I was with him in the grocery store and this elderly lady came up to me, looked me up and down, looked at Quin and told me "That is just disgusting!"
What was "disgusting" was her attitude towards to this beautiful, innocent child. I loved my Quin with a fierceness.
Quin loved football. It was his life.
And he was damn good at it.
At his homegoing we heard time and again how they never saw moves like his at the high school level.
He signed with Blinn to play college football, with an eye on the Aggies.
All of his cousins loved him and looked up to him.
Quin had the most beautiful heart you could imagine.
And his smile...oh, that smile.
I've never seen one as beautiful as his....
and I know I never will again.
He was good. His heart was good and he did always have the best of intentions.
He loved his mom...he was a true mama's boy...
Here you see this big, over six foot tall, good looking boy and you would never expect that he would be the mama's baby that he was.
He was also so protective of his younger brother....working hard to give him things he needed.
When I got the call that day...one month ago, on his birthday...somehow I knew it was going to be something about Quin. He rode his bike..he loved his bike...and I thought maybe he had an accident on it.
When my sister was calling and calling me and texting me to call her NOW....
deep down I knew it had something to do with Quin.
I was already having a not too good day..it was exactly 13 months since mom passed away.
When my sister told me "Quin's dead." I felt my heart drop out of me.
It felt like someone punched me in the stomach.
I remember screaming NO...NO...
The next thing I remember my phone was across the room and I was on the floor and I felt like I was going to throw up. I felt like I couldn't get enough air in me. The room was getting smaller and smaller.
I grabbed my phone and looked at his Facebook....
and it was all these messages saying "Tell me it isn't true" "R.I.P Supahman"
I looked at my manager and asked why do they keep saying Rip Quin...
It's his birthday...he's not dead...it's not real...
make them quit saying that.
But it was real...and thus opened up a new wound...one that seems to stay open.
Not one day goes by that Quin isn't on my mind.
I hate...I despise...I loathe the 18th.
I simply cannot comprehend that Quin is gone.
I can't believe there will never be another picture of him again.
I will never feel those big arms wrap around me and hug me.
I'll never hear him tell me, "I love you Aunt April."
We all will never be blessed with seeing that beautiful smile or hear his sweet voice and hearty laugh.
We are left now with memories....
memories of a life cut way too short.
memories and tears
and an ache that will never dull.
His homegoing was a display of the love he showed to others and the love they felt for him.
There wasn't enough room in the church.
People were standing outside.
This was just a small portion of the gathering at the cemetery.
Quin loved tattoos...
and he was our "Supahman"
I have been wanting to get another tattoo for quite some time
but didn't know exactly what to get.
I knew I wanted something with meaning.
I got Quin's Supahman Q.
I put it on my left ankle because that's the side my heart is on and Quin will always have a piece of my heart.
always.
He was my first baby.
He captured my heart when he first fell asleep on my chest and I stroked his soft curly hair.
I secretly loved that he wanted me in the middle of the nights and wouldn't go to sleep until he was with me.
He was my baby.
I loved him so much.
I still do.
After Mom died, I told myself she is just on vacation.
I can't call her because she doesn't have her phone with her.
That's how I made it through the first several months.
Now I tell myself Quin is just away playing ball.
That's why I haven't seen him or talked to him.
He's not able to answer his phone because he's busy playing ball.
This is a hurt I'm not sure I will learn how to master. I just want to reverse time and hug my big baby one more time.
I just want to tell him I love you and hear him tell me it back.
I never, ever understood why mom and Quin's other grandmother Franna passed away so quickly from cancer. I just couldn't get it.
Then I understood.
The Bible promises us that God will never give you more than you can handle.
He knew they wouldn't be able to handle seeing Quin dead.
He knew that would literally kill them.
So, he let them fall asleep in death first.
Each day now I focus on making it through that day.
I worry about tomorrow tomorrow.
Quin often asked why people struggle to live in such an ugly world.
You have to struggle to see the good in this ugly world.
The world was prettier with him in it.
Now he makes my dreams pretty.
